Looking back, I realize that most of my happiest memories, that remained glued to my soul, are on the shore, being gently caressed by the waves.
So, now, that I miss you, and need you, I am never sure if it is you that I miss and need, is it just melancholy, is it the illusion of mind or is it reality?
Erasing your face, I am bound to the memory of you, but it feels as though you only played a role in defining her.
So, in the infinite search of you, I shall close my eyes, and let my aching heart fly, like a feather in the wind, let my wandering soul float through the nothingness of darkness, until i can hear the waves again.
I miss the sea.
I miss the waves, the sound of solace, caressing the silence, aiding my mind, holding me like an unseen lover.
I miss you. Or I miss the sea.
I, I don t know, it's just the eternal search that howls inside of me, that s why I guess I miss the sea. I need its tranquility to embrace me.
I need its steadiness to calm my nervous mind.
I miss the sea, I need the sea, there is where I found you, and I feel as though at sea is where I am bound to find myself.
But I am away from my lover, the sea. Or is it you?
I close my eyes, and I begin to walk on the shores of my imagination, looking into the sea of darkness that represents my past.
In my mind, the sea, its darkness represents my past.
I feel the coarse of the sand, and I perceive it like a humming, a quiet steady mutter representing my over-analyzing mind.
The sea is dark, for it is composed of all my past, all my overwhelming sea of thoughts that run deep in my psyche.
With each step, I try, and try to understand myself, try to swim naked of prejudice in the sea of past, I try to be able to close the eyes of judgement and float through my past in peacefully quiet solace.
But there is a storm, there is always a constant violent lightning storm, in the distance.
It s drawing me in, I can't yet understand what it is.
But I always feel a wind, a warm, summer breeze dust of wind.
And as it flows through my hair, as it whispers in my ears, as it calms me, it also agitates my mind, but in a good way.
It fuels my will.
The wind is hope.
And it never comes from the sea, it comes from the sand, which I believe it comes from the future to sooth out the past.
It is hard to understand myself.
Getting out of my head, I see a poor lonely boy, trying to figure out what he wants to do in his life, feeling, and being convinced that there is a path drawn for him, while there is none,
Not being able to decide and commit to a path because the fear of choosing the wrong path paralyses him.
However, the paradox is...there is no right path, only the path, the journey.
I try to tell him, that whatever he chooses to do, he will be very good at, whatever path he chooses, will be a strong path, for I know he will pave it with his heart, with his emotions, his mind and lace it with his dreams.
And he has a big heart.
But such a fragile one.
And a sharp mind, but such a wandering, withering one.
I tried to understand what his biggest fears are, and he was unable to answer, he kept saying the fear of humiliation, but how could you be afraid of something that you grew up in?
So I asked him what does he want the most in life.
And his eyes lit up and said: Knowledge
but knowledge is power.
and power is wanted by the powerless, by the fearful.
and so I understand that his biggest fear is lack of control.
So I understood the desperate grasp of control with which he leads his life, the constant anxieties caused by the lack of control that he has concerning his life path.
The discrepancy from what he perceives as reality and the illusion of his mind regarding how his life should be.
I understood that his biggest fear comes from feeling powerless, thus his biggest desire, to feel powerful, manifested in all aspects of his life:
- intellectually, through his quest for knowledge, power, wishing to become a scientist, a researcher, seeking to quench his thirst for knowledge.
- mentally, choosing solitude, believing that the strengthening of the mind consists of dealing with the issues alone, without the help of friends or family. He believes that true power of the mind comes from deep probing his mind in the quest of finding hidden answers to his problems. He believes only he can solve his issues, and only he should, for that is power. But is that not frailty?
That comes from fear.
It is a fear of openness.
He was never allowed to speak up his mind, never allowed to manifest his individuality and creativity, always was contained by the walls of control, so he had to fight for every piece of freedom he could grasp.
And because of that fear of openness, he grew up fearful, unable to take risks, fearful of judgement, which in time involved him beginning to be judgmental,
I believe that comes from his upbringing, from his childhood, having an absent father, created certain difficulties in his development as an adult.
It is one of my new discoveries that the child grew up with an absent father.
It was a difficult discovery to make, because, his father was not absent.
However, I asked the boy for good memories of his father, and he replied with just one, just one in his entire childhood, which made me realize that his father was most of the time, away, absent from his education. His father, even though he was living in the same house, he was emotionally absent, giving the boy less love and affection than his emotional son needed.
This, in time, created a far more bigger consequence for him. Growing up without a strong male model, he found it difficult to stand up for himself, found it difficult to feel powerful, or manly.
But why was his father emotionally absent?
That, I do not know, its a journey I did not read yet.
However, what I know is that his mother noticed the absence of the father, and had to play a double part in the life of her children. She had to be mother and father. And, I believe she was not ready for that, having suffered a great deal in her life, she became fearful.
In the face of her children development, she was afraid that she would lose their love, she would lose control over them, and she became dominate them, she become controlling, chugging all her anger and frustration on her children, becoming obsessed with cleaning (control over personal environment). At work, she was a quiet and shy woman, absorbing all her frustrations inside, not communicating to anyone, having an estranged family. However, in her personal time, all that fear, anger and frustration of hers, had to resurface somehow, and she threw herself in religion, trying to cope with a distant husband, she threw herself in obsessive cleaning, trying to gain some measure of control. She saw that her children began to resent her for dominating them and from exerting excessive control over them, which made her even more frustrated. A vicious circle.
Trans-generational traumas have been passed over to the children, and so, throughout his life, the boy felt fearful, powerless, emasculated, feeling in lack of control, also becoming obsessive.
Showing sings of obsessive cleaning in his relations with other women when he felt he lost the grip over the relationship.
Showing signs of lack of male model, by having difficulties to stand up for himself, always keeping a low tone, always keeping everything for himself (building up frustration, this also came from the fear of speaking out).
He has a whole side of personality that is introverted, that being a concrete consequence of fear. This part, goes hand ind hand with the insightful part.
I believe this whole side of his, is built up from fear. Fear of letting himself being discovered, for fear of judgement. Judgement that he received from his parents, that were also judged in their life, and they passed out this trait to their child.
This would explain the quiet, masochistic, frustrated part of his personality.
The part where he is a rebel, I believe comes from the part of his individual personality that I like to call the Flowering adolescence.
This Flowering adolescence has nothing to do with the actual adolescence, it actually refers to the beginning of maturity, where the boy decides to rebel against the control exercised by his parents, and took control and responsibility over his own life. This came rather late in his life, because the time where he actually felt prepared to gain control came late. But I lie. He did not decide to take control, he just had enough of suffering. There is a saying that I believe in ''A human must suffer very much before deciding to follow his dreams''. Taking control, he plunges himself into a new situation, to gain strength and maturity but instead of feeling powerful and proud, he feels lost and alone. He feels lost, because for the first time in his life, he is not told by anyone else what to do. And he feel alone, cos he chose that. He chooses to be alone cos he believes it strengthens the bond between his conscious mind and his subconscious. He is not sure if this is really the way to do it, or if this is a consequence of the fact that he is afraid to open up, feeling vulnerable, weak, defenseless, at the mercy of others (his biggest fear).
But where does this part of his personality come from? The emotional part. I believe this deep, emotional part, comes from the fact that the main role model in his life was his sister, and that deepens the emotional side in childhood for young men. Did he not have this part of his own? was it created by his interaction with his sister? I believe that he did have it, but it was enhanced by his interaction with his sister, who was very emotional herself, having a deep sea of unexplored emotions herself ,the both connected. His true role model in his childhood was his sister.
This deep emotional part of the child came from emotional frailty, and had a very large need for affection and emotional bonding, which was not received from an emotional absent father, nor by an emotional frail mother who was unable to express love and affection, due to her frustrations from her life. And instead of receiving affection and emotional bonding, the child, through the process of trans-generational trauma, the child received the character traits of fear and disbelief in his own powers which throughout his life will lead to him having difficulties in forgiving.
Forgiving becomes extremely difficult, because he must first forgive his parents who he perceives as oppressors and also himself for agreeing to the oppression for so long, creating a a huge conflict with himself, distancing himself from his parents.
By not feeling understood and emotionally loved by his parents,he begins to seek emotional comfort and love in his relationships, which he cripples through his black hole hunger for affection. He is unable to see that affection must come first from himself towards him.
And he seeks affection and approval from everyone, and by not getting it, he deepens the trauma of not being wanted.
The paradox for me is that because he needs so much affection he actually gives a lot of affection, finding himself emotionally drained and used after each relationship in which he invests.
I like to explain that as a conversation on a broken phone. The person you are talking to, can hear you, but you can t hear them, so you start yelling, thinking that if you don t hear them, they can t hear you. So the child gives a lot of affection, thinking that if he needs it in that way, the other needs it too.
Not receiving it back the way he needs it, deepens the trauma of not being wanted.
His mother was very protective and controlling, and so the child never really understood how it feels to stand on his own feet, always had to take approval and so the child will always search the approval of others, and when it comes to major decisions in life, the child will face confusion, searching desperately for guidance from external source, manifesting his disbelief in his own powers (consequence of his parents education in his household and also transgenerational trauma passed on to him by his mother).
Fear that he will not succeed in following his dreams, fear that he is too small to make a difference, feeling powerless, being part of the consequence.
It is quite an interesting paradox for me that the mother loved deeply the child, but being unable to express this love (due to her traumas in her upbringing maybe or maybe inability to communicate from fear of judgement), she became over protective and controlling, seeding fear, creating resentment in her child, and also passing the fear onto her child (the child borrowing the psychological patterns seen in his tutors).
I was talking about how his biggest fear manifests itself, mentally and intellectually, however, there are other parts:
- physically. It is unknown at this point if the fact that the child felt emasculated created a physical barrier in his body that made his testosterone receptors not being able to create a healthy network in his body, however, through the theory of mind influencing body, it is possible. Reality is that testosterone is existent in the body at normal levels, however, the receptors do not exist or they do not function properly, creating soft skin, blonde hair, low pilosity, body of short statue,
- sexually. In his sexual activity he shows a need for control, and violence, which I believe are ways of his subconscious mind to free itself of the traumas by inflicting it on others. The subconscious mind shall inflict the same aggression it was subjected to, in a process of punishing its initial aggressors.
He tries to fill out the holes in his development with external approval, sexual gratification and short term dopamine-producing activities, his mind constantly trying to resolve the inner conflicts, while he faces walls of obstacles from his upbringing.
There are so many things that I yet do not understand about this child, but walking on the shores of my imagination with him,I slowly gain his confidence.
I asked him, why does he feel the need to feed himself with innocence from others, while viewing himself as an old man.
I believe it stand from two traumas.
The way he perceives himself as an old man is reflecting the fact that he feels he wasted his youth in an submissive way, by not being able to be assertive and express his individuality, his will, fulfilling his youthful desires. This, paradoxically created an early maturity which he perceives it as reflecting on him as being an old bitter young man.
The need to connect in an insightful deep and meaningful way is a direct consequence of his early maturity, because of which he feels out of place with the people of his generation, seeking older friends for guidance. This is what he seeks in an emotional relationship, developing a deep level of emotional bonding with the partner.
The need to feed and absorb innocence is, I believe, because of the frustration of lost youth, in a way he tries to regain the lost youth by absorbing it from others. The need to devour youth and beauty comes, I think from the fact the the subconscious mind inflicts its trauma on others because it perceives them as the ones who hurt it. Much like the serial killers kill a certain pattern of people, because in their mind, they return the punishment for the ones that hurt them.
In his relationships with his partners he often assumes the role of the tutor, offering guidance, on the same pattern as he offers affection, having experienced a lack of guidance in life from his parents.
Understanding the cause of pain, and naming it, causes, theoretically, healing.
An open book, must be re-written for it to have a different ending.