"Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart"

Prins intre chemarea sufletului si dorintele trupului, am mers cu bocancii pe carari fine, spunand cu gura ce simeam cu inima. Sufletul imi spunea ca trebuie sa imi urmez calea, insa nu mi-am dat seama ca exista o mare diferenta intre dialogul inimii si cel al gurii.
Sufletul imi zicea trebuie sa plec, sa cresc, sa calatoresc, sa ma ratacesc.
Insa ti-am vorbit cu gura si ti-am zis ca vreau sa plec sa ma fut cu alte femei.
Stiu sigur ca dorinta adevarata era a sufletului, nu a gurii, caci imediat ce am plecat, mi-am dat seama ca imi urmez dorinta sufletului, nu a gurii. E ca si cum as avea 2 voci, si daca nu aleg sa vorbesc cu cea a intelepciunii sufletului, vorbesc cu imaturitatea corpului, cea din urma fiind cea predefinita.
Ti-am vorbit cu gura, si m-ai ascultat cu urechea.
Si au fost urmari, pentru amandoi. Consecinte de care am fugit cat am putut, peste mari si tari, dar imediat ce am ajuns intre 4 pereti, eu cu mine, imediat ce m-am oprit, m-au ajuns din urma si m-au pedepsit, mi-au aratat ca nu am unde sa fug, oricat as fugi, oriunde as fugi, trebuie la un moment dat, sa ma opresc, si in momentul ala, ele vor fi acolo, asteptand, pregatite de pedeapsa. Si m-am ascuns in ura, m-am luptat cu durerea, mi-am rupt bucati din mine si m-am mintit, orice ca sa nu privesc durerea adevarata in fata. Si ma durea si nu stiam de ce, eram ca un orb care invinuia orice si pe oricine in jur pentru durerea lui.
Dar adevarul este ca durerea adevarata, era responsabilitatea. Lipsa responsabilitatii mai exact. Am fugit de asumarea responsabilitatii si am ales sa cred ca acele consecinte ale tale care radiau durere in mine, care ma dureau pe tine, sunt de fapt, problema si vina ta. Tu ai ales sa faci ceva, si deci, e vina ta.
Insa mi-am dat seama ca nu alegerea ta ma doare, ci alegerea mea.
Ce vreau sa zic, e ca, nu poti sa invinuiesc pe cineva pentru felul cum reactionez eu la durerea provocata de el, pentru ca felul in care eu reactionez, si ma comport in durere, este responsabilitatea mea, mai mare decat a lui.
Insa el poarta vina durerii.
Iar eu am purtat vina durererii tale, si durerii mele.
Durerea ta probabil s-a terminat de mult, a mea....e inca vie. Poate pentru ca invat greu. Poate pentru ca e foarte greu pentru mie sa imi asum responsabilitatea, si aleg sa fug si sa cred ca consecintele nu sunt responsabilitatea mea, insa sunt. Si durerea si consecintele mele si ale tale sunt responsabilitatea mea pentru ca eu am cauzat durerea.
Stiu, am zis ca nasterea durerii este vina mea si responsabilitatea mea si ca felul cum procesezi durerea si consecintele sunt responsabilitatea ta. Apoi am zis ca aceste consecinte sunt responsabilitatea mea.
Nu stiu sa explic. Nu sunt bun la cuvinte.
Asta pentru ca incerc sa iti explic cu gura ce imi spune sufletul. Este imposibil pentru mie sa explic cu gura asta. Asculta-ma cu sufletul si vei intelege.
Sa zicem asa: durerea cauzata tie este vina si responsabilitatea mea.
Felul cum procesezi durerea si ce inveti din ea este responsabilitatea ta.
Consecintele durerii cauzate tie sunt responsabilitatea mea.
Eu, singur, nu inteleg ce am scris.
Dar mai bine nu pot scrie ce simt. Nu pot sa explic mai clar ce simt.
Asculta-ma cu sufletul, nu cu urechea si vei intelege.
Citeste asta cu sufletul, nu cu ochii si vei intelege.

Durerea corpului meu este ca tu te-ai dus si ti-ai tras-o cu altii si ai aruncat la gunoi imaginea pe care am incecat sa ti-o creez.
Durererea sufletului meu este ca eu te-am facut sa te simti ca un nimic si nu apoi am ales sa nu imi asum responsabilitatea pentru asta.
Un vis mi-a explicat diferenta dintre gura si suflet. Asa cum vad eu lucrurile, sunt 2 entitati diferite. Le voi chema, Jucatorul si Marioneta.
Jucatorul este sufletul (sau ceva mult mai mult), cel care sta si se joaca, controleaza marioneta pe tabla de joc, insa este impersonal, intangibil, distant, permanent.
Marioneta este corpul, simturile, trairile, durerea, fericirea, prezentul, efemer.
Tabla de joc este viata, viata pe care o traiesti acum.
Vei juca jocul de mai multe ori, poate....pana vei intelege de fapt care este scopul jocului.
Scopul jocului este trairea vietii, calatoria in sine, si trairea calatoriei in echilibru. Echilibrul dintre Jucator si Marioneta.
Cand se termina jocul, vei fi intrebat, cum ti s-a parut calatoria.
Poti sa traiesti jocul in 3 feluri.
Poti sa alegi sa traiesti jocul din pozitia marionetei, si atunci vei trai viata ca si cum nimic nu exista mai mult decat viata insasi, te vei pierde in durere, vei trai pentru placere si totul, cat de curand, orice ai face, va parea fara sens, fara rost, si vei simti golul crescand. Sau, totul se va termina inainte sa incepi sa simti golul.
Marioneta nu intelege cauza durerii, nu vede nimic in afara durerii, nu poate sa priveasca imaginea de ansamblu si tot ce poate sa faca este sa vorbeasca cu gura si sa auda cu urechea.
Cand jocul se va termina, vei fi intrebat cum a fost calatoria? Ce ai inteles din ea?
Si vei spune ca ai fost foarte bun la a trai printre oameni ai fost un maestru la a trai in prezent, si vei intelege atunci, ca ai inteles scopul Jocului, si ai trait viata, dar nu ai inteles Jocul in sine, caci ai trait viata fara sa intelegi ca exista mult mai mult decat viata.
Poti sa alegi sa traiesti jocul din pozitia Jucatorului.
Si atunci vei trai o viata distanta, plina de intelepciune, gandind tot timpul si traind doar pentru scopul intelegerea suprema a jocului. Vei trai jocul gandindu-te doar la scopul jocului si nu te vei implica foarte mult in joc. Temator, singuratic. Vei privi totul de la distanta si jocul vietii si traitul printre oameni ti se va parea atat de ciudat si de distant de tine.
Cand jocul se va termina, vei fi intrebat cum a fost calatoria? Ce ai inteles din ea?
Si vei spune ca in tot timpul jocului, ai asteptat finalul, si te-ai gandit la final, distantzandu-te de prezent in totalitate. Si vei intelege atunci, ca, ai inteles Jocul in perfectiune, insa nu ai inteles scopul Jocului, nu ai trait. Ai trecut prin viata intelegand toate etapele, dar neintelegand ca etapele au un rost. Si rostul pentru care exista etapele vietii, este ca tu sa treci prin ele. Ai inteles viata asa cum cineva intelege orice, privind de la distanta, si oricat de bine ai observa ceva, nu vei intelege niciodata tot.

Scopul Jocului este sa traiesti, sa simti, sa iubesti, sa simti durere insa nu sa te pierzi in durere, ci sa intelegi scopul durerii.
Pe scurt, sa traiesti intr-un punct de echilibru intre Marioneta si Jucator.
Si poate ca acel punct de echilibru intre Marioneta si Jucator este sa traiesti in prezent, fiind tot timpul constient ca exista ceva mai mult.
Traieste.
Deschide-ti inima catre iubire. Este una din Regulile Jocului.
Deschide-ti inima catre durere. Este una din Regulile Jocului.
Insa nu te pierde in nici una din ele. Este una din Regulile Jocului.
Nu te pierde in durere, ci intelege scopul si motivul ei.
Cel care se pierde in durere vede viata prin ochii marionetei taiand legatura cu intelepciunea Jucatorului, neintelegand de ce simte durerea.
Cel care proceseaza durerea in moduri in care doar o Marioneta ar intelege, se va arunca intr-un cerc nesfarsit, in care totul se repeta, totul are aceeasi finalitate, si se va simti blocat, si nu v-a intelege de ce.
Cel care primeste durerea dar nu o lasa in suflet, analizand-o la rece, prin prisma Jucatorui, nu o va lasa in suflet, nu o va trai, o va pastra in portofoliu, ca o poza ce va fi privita de la distanta.
Durerea si fericirea nu trebuiesc sa fie luate ca atare. Ele au inteles mult mai profund.
Vorbesc despre mine, firesc, iar eu, vorbind despre intelesurile intelepciunii, nu vreau sa te induc in eroare, facandu-te sa crezi ca eu de fapt inteleg ceva. Durerea mea este evitarea responsabilitatii.
Eu, nu inteleg nimic.
Caci eu, sunt Marioneta.
Insa daca vrei sa intelegi ceva, citeste cu sufletul.

Descult prin ploaie

Cand te gandesti ca viata e nedreapta, copile, aminteste-ti ca viata nu ti-a facut niciodata tie o promisiune ca va fi corecta cu tine.
Cand incerci sa scapi de gustul amar al ironiei vietii, atunci e momentul in care iti dai seama ca universul are cu adevarat simtul umorului, insa universul nu ti-a promis tie niciodata ca umorul lui va fi amuzant pentru tine.
Tine minte fiule ca Dumnezeu te iubeste, universul e plin de iubire, insa e foarte important sa iti dai seama ca modul de exprimare al iubirii e durerea.
Doar pentru ca vrei si esti construit pentru un lucru, nu inseamna ca il vei avea, caci viata e o lectie, si cateodata lectia e cum sa te adaptezi.
Se spune ca in viata toti suferim la fel de mult, insa unii nu o arata. Eu, personal, nu cred. Eu cred cu tarie ca unii oameni au parte de mai multa, insemnand ca unii sunt capabili de mai mare toleranta. Insa stiu cu siguranta ca celor care risca, sau nu le pasa, li se ofera ajutor.
Si atunci stau si ma intreb ce rost are sa am grija sa nu gresesc, cand altii gresesc cu atata usurinta si cu cat gresesc mai mult cu atat li se iarta mai mult?
Ei vezi, aici sunt cele 2 categorii. Cei care au grija si responsabilitate si cei care nu.
Daca esti din prima categorie, poti avea cata grija vrei tu de mult, insotita de paranoia si toate cele care vin alaturi de responsabilitatea exacerbata.
Daca esti din a 2-a, poti sa nu faci nimic, caci iti va cadea sigur ceva ajutor din cer.
Singurul lucru care iti este interzis este sa schimbi categoriile.
Vorbesc desigur de a trece din prima in a doua. Caci invers......Cine e fraier?
Deci, Dumnezeu inseamna ca iubeste nespus pe cei slabi si nepasatori de ii ajuta atat de mult.
Dar, stai, ca iubirea e durere, si deci de fapt ii iubeste pe cei carora le da durere, celor puternici.
Nu?
Sunt confuz. Care e iubirea? Ajutorul care te mentine slab? Sau durerea care te forteaza sa te dezvolti?

Walking on the shores of San Junipero

Looking back, I realize that most of my happiest memories, that remained glued to my soul, are on the shore, being gently caressed by the waves.
So, now, that I miss you, and need you, I am never sure if it is you that I miss and need, is it just melancholy, is it the illusion of mind or is it reality?
Erasing your face, I am bound to the memory of you, but it feels as though you only played a role in defining her.
So, in the infinite search of you, I shall close my eyes, and let my aching heart fly, like a feather in the wind, let my wandering soul float through the nothingness of darkness, until i can hear the waves again.
I miss the sea.
I miss the waves, the sound of solace, caressing the silence, aiding my mind, holding me like an unseen lover.
I miss you. Or I miss the sea.
I, I don t know, it's just the eternal search that howls inside of me, that s why I guess I miss the sea. I need its tranquility to embrace me.
I need its steadiness to calm my nervous mind.
I miss the sea, I need the sea, there is where I found you, and I feel as though at sea is where I am bound to find myself.
But I am away from my lover, the sea. Or is it you?
I close my eyes, and I begin to walk on the shores of my imagination, looking into the sea of darkness that represents my past.
In my mind, the sea, its darkness represents my past.
I feel the coarse of the sand, and I perceive it like a humming, a quiet steady mutter representing my over-analyzing mind.
The sea is dark, for it is composed of all my past, all my overwhelming sea of thoughts that run deep in my psyche.
With each step, I try, and try to understand myself, try to swim naked of prejudice in the sea of past, I try to be able to close the eyes of judgement and float through my past in peacefully quiet solace.
But there is a storm, there is always a constant violent lightning storm, in the distance.
It s drawing me in, I can't yet understand what it is.
But I always feel a wind, a warm, summer breeze dust of wind.
And as it flows through my hair, as it whispers in my ears, as it calms me, it also agitates my mind, but in a good way.
It fuels my will.
The wind is hope.
And it never comes from the sea, it comes from the sand, which I believe it comes from the future to sooth out the past.
It is hard to understand myself.
Getting out of my head, I see a poor lonely boy, trying to figure out what he wants to do in his life, feeling, and being convinced that there is a path drawn for him, while there is none,
Not being able to decide and commit to a path because the fear of choosing the wrong path paralyses him.
However, the paradox is...there is no right path, only the path, the journey.
I try to tell him, that whatever he chooses to do, he will be very good at, whatever path he chooses, will be a strong path, for I know he will pave it with his heart, with his emotions, his mind and lace it with his dreams.
And he has a big heart.
But such a fragile one.
And a sharp mind, but such a wandering, withering one.
I tried to understand what his biggest fears are, and he was unable to answer, he kept saying the fear of humiliation, but how could you be afraid of something that you grew up in?
So I asked him what does he want the most in life.
And his eyes lit up and said: Knowledge
but knowledge is power.
and power is wanted by the powerless, by the fearful.
and so I understand that his biggest fear is lack of control.
So I understood the desperate grasp of control with which he leads his life, the constant anxieties caused by the lack of control that he has concerning his life path.
The discrepancy from what he perceives as reality and the illusion of his mind regarding how his life should be.
I understood that his biggest fear comes from feeling powerless, thus his biggest desire, to feel powerful, manifested in all aspects of his life:
- intellectually, through his quest for knowledge, power, wishing to become a scientist, a researcher, seeking to quench his thirst for knowledge.
- mentally, choosing solitude, believing that the strengthening of the mind consists of dealing with the issues alone, without the help of friends or family. He believes that true power of the mind comes from deep probing his mind in the quest of finding hidden answers to his problems. He believes only he can solve his issues, and only he should, for that is power. But is that not frailty?
That comes from fear.
It is a fear of openness.
He was never allowed to speak up his mind, never allowed to manifest his individuality and creativity, always was contained by the walls of control, so he had to fight for every piece of freedom he could grasp.
And because of that fear of openness, he grew up fearful, unable to take risks, fearful of judgement, which in time involved him beginning to be judgmental,
I believe that comes from his upbringing, from his childhood, having an absent father, created certain difficulties in his development as an adult.
It is one of my new discoveries that the child grew up with an absent father.
It was a difficult discovery to make, because, his father was not absent.
However, I asked the boy for good memories of his father, and he replied with just one, just one in his entire childhood, which made me realize that his father was most of the time, away, absent from his education. His father, even though he was living in the same house, he was emotionally absent, giving the boy less love and affection than his emotional son needed.
This, in time, created a far more bigger consequence for him. Growing up without a strong male model, he found it difficult to stand up for himself, found it difficult to feel powerful, or manly.
But why was his father emotionally absent?
That, I do not know, its a journey I did not read yet.
However, what I know is that his mother noticed the absence of the father, and had to play a double part in the life of her children. She had to be mother and father. And, I believe she was not ready for that, having suffered a great deal in her life, she became fearful.
In the face of her children development, she was afraid that she would lose their love, she would lose control over them, and she became dominate them, she become controlling, chugging all her anger and frustration on her children, becoming obsessed with cleaning (control over personal environment). At work, she was a quiet and shy woman, absorbing all her frustrations inside, not communicating to anyone, having an estranged family. However, in her personal time, all that fear, anger and frustration of hers, had to resurface somehow, and she threw herself in religion, trying to cope with a distant husband, she threw herself in obsessive cleaning, trying to gain some measure of control. She saw that her children began to resent her for dominating them and from exerting excessive control over them, which made her even more frustrated. A vicious circle.
Trans-generational traumas have been passed over to the children, and so, throughout his life, the boy felt fearful, powerless, emasculated, feeling in lack of control, also becoming obsessive.
Showing sings of obsessive cleaning in his relations with other women when he felt he lost the grip over the relationship.
Showing signs of lack of male model, by having difficulties to stand up for himself, always keeping a low tone, always keeping everything for himself (building up frustration, this also came from the fear of speaking out).
He has a whole side of personality that is introverted, that being a concrete consequence of fear. This part, goes hand ind hand with the insightful part.
I believe this whole side of his, is built up from fear. Fear of letting himself being discovered, for fear of judgement. Judgement that he received from his parents, that were also judged in their life, and they passed out this trait to their child.
This would explain the quiet, masochistic, frustrated part of his personality.
The part where he is a rebel, I believe comes from the part of his individual personality that I like to call the Flowering adolescence.
This Flowering adolescence has nothing to do with the actual adolescence, it actually refers to the beginning of maturity, where the boy decides to rebel against the control exercised by his parents, and took control and responsibility over his own life. This came rather late in his life, because the time where he actually felt prepared to gain control came late. But I lie. He did not decide to take control, he just had enough of suffering. There is a saying that I believe in ''A human must suffer very much before deciding to follow his dreams''. Taking control, he plunges himself into a new situation, to gain strength and maturity but instead of feeling powerful and proud, he feels lost and alone. He feels lost, because for the first time in his life, he is not told by anyone else what to do. And he feel alone, cos he chose that. He chooses to be alone cos he believes it strengthens the bond between his conscious mind and his subconscious. He is not sure if this is really the way to do it, or if this is a consequence of the fact that he is afraid to open up, feeling vulnerable, weak, defenseless, at the mercy of others (his biggest fear).
But where does this part of his personality come from? The emotional part. I believe this deep, emotional part, comes from the fact that the main role model in his life was his sister, and that deepens the emotional side in childhood for young men. Did he not have this part of his own? was it created by his interaction with his sister? I believe that he did have it, but it was enhanced by his interaction with his sister, who was very emotional herself, having a deep sea of unexplored emotions herself ,the both connected. His true role model in his childhood was his sister.
This deep emotional part of the child came from emotional frailty, and had a very large need for affection and emotional bonding, which was not received from an emotional absent father, nor by an emotional frail mother who was unable to express love and affection, due to her frustrations from her life. And instead of receiving affection and emotional bonding, the child, through the process of trans-generational trauma, the child received the character traits of fear and disbelief in his own powers which throughout his life will lead to him having difficulties in forgiving.
Forgiving becomes extremely difficult, because he must first forgive his parents who he perceives as oppressors and also himself for agreeing to the oppression for so long, creating a a huge conflict with himself, distancing himself from his parents.
By not feeling understood and emotionally loved by his parents,he begins to seek emotional comfort and love in his relationships, which he cripples through his black hole hunger for affection. He is unable to see that affection must come first from himself towards him.
 And he seeks affection and approval from everyone, and by not getting it, he deepens the trauma of not being wanted.
The paradox for me is that because he needs so much affection he actually gives a lot of affection, finding himself emotionally drained and used after each relationship in which he invests.
I like to explain that as a conversation on a broken phone. The person you are talking to, can hear you, but you can t hear them, so you start yelling, thinking that if you don t hear them, they can t hear you. So the child gives a lot of affection, thinking that if he needs it in that way, the other needs it too.
Not receiving it back the way he needs it, deepens the trauma of not being wanted.
His mother was very protective and controlling, and so the child never really understood how it feels to stand on his own feet, always had to take approval and so the child will always search the approval of others, and when it comes to major decisions in life, the child will face confusion, searching desperately for guidance from external source, manifesting his disbelief in his own powers (consequence of his parents education in his household and also transgenerational trauma passed on to him by his mother).
Fear that he will not succeed in following his dreams, fear that he is too small to make a difference, feeling powerless, being part of the consequence.
It is quite an interesting paradox for me that the mother loved deeply the child, but being unable to express this love (due to her traumas in her upbringing maybe or maybe inability to communicate from fear of judgement), she became over protective and controlling, seeding fear, creating resentment in her child, and also passing the fear onto her child (the child borrowing the psychological patterns seen in his tutors).
I was talking about how his biggest fear manifests itself, mentally and intellectually, however, there are other parts:
- physically. It is unknown at this point if the fact that the child felt emasculated created a physical barrier in his body that made his testosterone receptors not being able to create a healthy network in his body, however, through the theory of mind influencing body, it is possible. Reality is that testosterone is existent in the body at normal levels, however, the receptors do not exist or they do not function properly, creating soft skin, blonde hair, low pilosity, body of short statue,
- sexually. In his sexual activity he shows a need for control, and violence, which I believe are ways of his subconscious mind to free itself of the traumas by inflicting it on others. The subconscious mind shall inflict the same aggression it was subjected to, in a process of punishing its initial aggressors.
He tries to fill out the holes in his development with external approval, sexual gratification and short term dopamine-producing activities, his mind constantly trying to resolve the inner conflicts, while he faces walls of obstacles from his upbringing.

There are so many things that I yet do not understand about this child, but walking on the shores of my imagination with him,I slowly gain his confidence.

I asked him, why does he feel the need to feed himself with innocence from others, while viewing himself as an old man.
I believe it stand from two traumas.
The way he perceives himself as an old man is reflecting the fact that he feels he wasted his youth in an submissive way, by not being able to be assertive and express his individuality, his will, fulfilling his youthful desires. This, paradoxically created an early maturity which he perceives it as reflecting on him as being an old bitter young man.
The need to connect in an insightful deep and meaningful way is a direct consequence of his early maturity, because of which he feels out of place with the people of his generation, seeking older friends for guidance. This is what he seeks in an emotional relationship, developing a deep level of emotional bonding with the partner.
The need to feed and absorb innocence is, I believe, because of the frustration of lost youth, in a way he tries to regain the lost youth by absorbing it from others. The need to devour youth and beauty comes, I think from the fact the the subconscious mind inflicts its trauma on others because it perceives them as the ones who hurt it. Much like the serial killers kill a certain pattern of people, because in their mind, they return the punishment for the ones that hurt them.
In his relationships with his partners he often assumes the role of the tutor, offering guidance, on the same pattern as he offers affection, having experienced a lack of guidance in life from his parents.

Understanding the cause of pain, and naming it, causes, theoretically, healing.

An open book, must be re-written for it to have a different ending.

Takrim lil 7ilm (Hommage à un rêve)

In the middle of the clear night, I could only hear the sound of the sea.
Opening my eyes I could see black nothingness that I invited so courteously inside, celebrating the new found peace.
I came on the beach that night to clear my head, to find solace and to talk to the silence, but I found you.
You, my dream, my answer.
I held you in my arms and I felt all the pain that you held inside, chained to your soul, your pain embracing and recognizing my pain. And I felt as I found again a long lost wandering part of my soul.
After walking alone so many roads, after living so many lives, after all the pain, I held you in my arms and I knew right then and there that we met again.
Lone traveler.
Lost seeker.
In our embrace we stopped time.
In your embrace, the night, the sea, the sand and the whispering wind was eternal.
I felt that I finally reached the end of my journey, I felt like I was seeking without knowing what, but the search was finally over when I found you.
Tired of all the lives I have spent searching, I sat down on your legs, on the sand, and while you gently caressed my head, I watched the moon, while listening to the sea that left thousands of furrows in the night,
My tired endless soul recognized the fellow seeker in you, felt the familiarity in your endless soul, and my human heart turned it into love.
I did not know why I met you again, my fellow seeker, my teacher, after all these years, and my heart deceived me into thinking that it is the end of the road, into believing that you are my last lesson, my last answer searched by my wary soul.

The heart is deceitful above all things.

I saw that you were, as me, far from the end of the road, but I closed my eyes and chose you as my path, and as the end of my search.
I chose you, I built up a throne for you, I gave you my power, my wisdom, my knowledge, and tried my best to make you whole.
My Queen...
I saw your limits yet I walked over them blindly.
And you saw my hurt...
And you caressing my pain was all I needed to deceive both of us..

And the river of time passed around us, as we embraced, in this pause from our eternal search.
All you had to do is fight.
Care.
Really try.
But you got caught up in your web of limits and chose to drift away into passivity.
You chose not to believe in yourself, while I believed in you more than yourself.
You made me feel like I was not worth fighting for when I gave you all of my weapons and you just focused on your limits,
I looked in your eyes, hurt, and i asked you WHY?

And you looked in my eyes, and smiled, kept the silence and continued to caress my head....
Because you knew,,,
You knew that this was my lesson, this was a lesson that I had to learn.
And in your arms I finally understood.
I felt worthless, but it was not about me.
It was never about me, it was about you.
About you choosing not to fight.
About your weakness.
It s about me, wasting my power, trying to lift weakness, building up thrones.
Instead of sitting on my throne.
It s about my foolishness when I feel like I am not worth it.
Weakness falls when it is offered a place along side power.
Weakness falls cos it is weak, not cos power is not worth standing along for.
But my power is foolish, It does not understand that yet.
And feels miserable when fragile castles fall.

Hurt and tired, I asked you WHY again...
Why people cause pain and then just leave, leaving me to carry it?
I looked to the sky
People are weak
People don t care
People are afraid
But I am not, so why do I have to pay the price of carrying the pain caused by those who left me behind?
And I understood another lesson....
Strength has a horrible price.
The price of power must be paid with pain and humility, by dealing with the karma of the lesser.
And I finally understood.
How other treat me is their karma,
And how I react, is mine.

I looked at you...
I held you in my arms and you felt all my hurt, all my pain...
And you tried to soothe the pain.
And I felt for the first time in my life, someone trying to dissolve the immensity of pain inside me.
But it was too much, I have walked too many paths of pain in front of you.
You got lost....
You tried....
And now it was my turn to embrace you with silence...

And I understood why I have met you again...
Fellow seeker...
Unconditional Teacher..

To teach me the most valuable lessons of this cycle
And through the whirlwind of nothingness, I found you, and I thought it was a pause from learning, but In your arms you thought me the most valued of my lessons, through love, and caring.
And for the first time in life someone showed me that lessons can be thought not only through pain, but also embraced in loving arms.

You fear that you are useless, but you don t understand the immensity and importance of the meeting of you.
Meeting you, which felt like a pause, a stoppage in my road of pain, was what I needed to rest my old soul, so that I can find the courage to carry on with my road.

I am forever in gratitude towards you.
Thank you for your lessons, for your everything.

You re a dream, my queen, and I shall hold you in my mind and heart as the sweetest of my dreams.
You will never understand how useful you were to my existence in this life.

To my fellow seeker,
To my pause from pain,
To my dream...

Until we meet again, remember
There are no limits
Only the choice to act like limits exist

To Balsem

Inca

Ce invatator fanastic sunt, muncesc ca un sclav, imi simt corpul cum devine subred sub presiunea pe care o exercit singur asupra mea, uit de familie, de prieteni, uit de mine, uit de tot, fac tot posibilul sa nu mai existe nimic in afara de munca ca apoi cand imi dau liber, sa ma simt pierdut, sa simt ca ceva lipseste. acum imi dau seama ca fug de mine ,de problemele mele, ma afund in munca si incerc sa ma ingrop in ea, adanc, destul de adanc cat sa nu ma ajunga frica, si cand in sfarsit ma prinde, ma prabusesc asupra greutatii ei, si corpul se prabuseste treptat in ritm cu ea si simt cum nimicul ma cuprinde.
simt cum urlu in mine si nimeni nu ma poate ajuta, pentru ca am renuntat la familie si la prieteni si tot ce am sunt cei patru pereti.
Am muncit ca o fiara si am inghitit atata, ca sa vad cum in 2 zile totul se prabuseste in fata mea.
Si raman sa ma intreb, intrebarea eterna: care este invatatura?
o simt constant dandu mi tarcoale, o aud in fiecare picatura de aer liber.
Care este invatatura?
care este lectia?
stiu sigur ca trebuie sa o invat dar nu stiu care este.
il urasc pentru ca vrea ce vreau si eu, insa el are.
si incep sa ma intreb daca ma lupt cu el pentru a distruge nedreptatea sau doar pentru ca vreau sa ii iau eu locul.
Incep usor usor sa cred ca problema nu este el, ci faptul ca nu sunt destul de puternic sa trec peste, sa ma detasez, sa imi inchid cercul mintii.
oare ar fi mai bine cu adevarat cu un alt invatator?
sau ii voi sapa groapa doar pentru ca este in fata mea?
Simt cum firea mi se schimba si perverteste, cum adopt netrebnicii in personalitate incercand sa ma adaptez, si se pare ca fara sa vreau ma adaptez noroiului devenind noroi.
tu nu ma ajuti deloc, draga mea, sa iti dea Dumnezeu sanatate ca vrei, dar nu ma salvezi, si pentru a nu iti distruge tie mintea ard in mine energia putin ramasa.
si nu mai merita.....de prea mult timp.

Care este lectia?
caci incep sa cred ca nu e sa ma adaptez, ci sa ma pastrez,
dar daca ma pastrez, duc un razboi nesfarsit.

sunt singur
sunt SINGUR
SUNT SINGUR!!!
o tzip mie si tremur, o tip mie si imi raspund singur intr-un cerc al fricii.
dar care e lectia?

Lectia e ca nu sunt singur.
Lectia este ca a fi singur nu este o slabiciune, este o putere.
Lectia este a imi dea seama cand sa zic nu
Lectia este sa imi dau seama cand sa trec mai departe
Lectia este ca sunt singur si asta imi este puterea, nu slabiciunea.

Nu vreau sa ma pierd, imi e frica, dar lectia este sa invat sa traiesc cu frica.
Inca cred ca puterea imi sta in singuratate.